August 11, 2016 -- 6 months ago -- was the last time I had a bulimic episode. Yes, I am a recovering bulimic.
The year of 2000 was one of deep hurt, sorrow, and confusion. It was also one of great joy, happiness, and hope. It was also the year I became bulimic. I'm not sure if that's the proper way to describe how one gets this disease; but it's what makes sense to me.
At the very end of 1999 I experienced my first great loss. The man I had been engaged to be married to - just 5 short months away - decided he was done with me. He didn't just call off the wedding, he ended our relationship completely after 4 years together. We had started dating when I was only 15; we had moved in together when I was only 16 thanks to a move from Illinois to Michigan that my parents and I made halfway through my junior year of high school; we had traveled overseas together; we had planned a wedding, a future together. When he left me I felt like I had lost myself; my entire identity had been encompassed in being part of this couple and I had no clue how to just be Angie.
The first half of 2000 was unlike any other I had experienced. I went from being broken, distraught, unsure of who I was to someone who embraced life and enjoyed living the single life! I focused my energy on friendships and on having fun! Unfortunately I also developed a need to build a revenge body.
May 2000 was my first foray into purging. I think most people imagine someone who binge eats a bunch of crappy food and then purges to get rid of it when they hear someone is bulimic, but that wasn't me at first. I purged normal, every day food. I was building a body I was always dreamed of and purging was just a tool for me to get what I wanted and a way for me to deal with my crazy, intense emotions. See....I had control when I purged! For 6 months I felt like everything was out of my control. I couldn't change the fact that my fiance had left me and that my life plan had been completely turned upside down. But with purging I could control something!
September 2000 brought me the greatest gift I could have asked for -- Jason. For those of you who knew us at that time know that our relationship took off like a rocket ship! We fast tracked from casually dating to being in a serious, committed relationship in no time. Jason brought to my life so much joy, laughter, and a hope for my future. Our love was immediately fierce and strong.
Yet....I was still bulimic. Jason didn't find out about this ugly part of my life until several months in to our relationship. He immediately reached out to his parents and to my parents begging them to help him get me help. And I did seek help -- counseling -- and even had some success at being binge free for awhile. But ultimately the grip it had on my life -- the sense that no matter what happened in my life there was something that was just mine, something that I could control -- was stronger than all the love, support, and encouragement Jason and the rest of my family gave me. Satan held that grip on me hard.
For the past 16+ years I have battled bulimia. I have sought out various forms of help, have gone for stretches of time where it was under control, but eventually that binge-free period of time came to an end. I can't explain why I have not been able to fully release myself from the grasp of bulimia. Like I said, Satan has had a firm grip on me.
Six months ago I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to finally go purge free and stay that way! With the never-ending support of my incredible husband, Jason, I put a plan in place that would break the cycle. I didn't want to try another temporary fix; I wanted to be healed completely of this disease!
So what have I done differently the past six months that has empowered me to be binge free? First thing that Jason and I decided was that my efforts would not be done alone -- they would be a family affair! We started meal planning and prepping foods that involved clean, real foods. We also started doing bulk freezer meal prep sessions wherein we spend one weekend every few months prepping healthy crock pot meals. We have set ourselves up for success by ensuring we always have on hand something good and healthy to eat.
The second thing I did was make a commitment to give up some pretty bad habits I developed over the years. Bye-bye Diet Coke and McDonald's breakfast burritos. Adios vending machine snacks. See ya later alcohol. Yes -- I have not had any of those things in 6 MONTHS! Obviously this was not easy, and honestly some of my success comes from pure stubbornness. I decided I was finally going to stop making excuses and make the changes I needed to make!
In order to get rid of these vices and avoid putting myself in situations where I would be tempted to purge I had to put some good, healthy habits in their place.
- I started bringing my own lunch to our catered work lunch meetings.
- As a family we stopped going out to eat as much as we used to.
- I started drinking chocolate Shakeology every afternoon at work to satisfy my mid-afternoon sugar cravings.
- I avoided McDonald's on my way to work.
- I started politely saying no when I was offered an alcoholic drink. This was not easy; it was probably the hardest habit to break. But I've learned that I can do hard things!
- I surrounded myself with like-minded people -- people who were on their own journey towards better health and fitness.
- I became a Beachbody Coach and started sharing my journey on social media! I loved the support, encouragement, and accountability that I was awarded with from my own coach as well as the accountability FB groups I was part of and decided I wanted to share that! When you put your personal business out there on social network sites you are much more likely to stick to your plan.
- I started working out before work in the morning. I have completed several Beachbody fitness programs and have dipped my toe back in to the running world. Exercise is a GREAT way to relieve stress and has had a huge impact on my ability to stay in control of my health the right way.
- I started putting effort in to developing a deeper relationship with the Lord. Sadly my relationship with our Father had dissipated over the years. When I started spending time again in His Word, going to church, and in consistent prayer I was reminded just how important that part of my life is!
My journey is not over; it probably won't ever be. I will always be a recovering bulimic, but the important part is that I am recovering!
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